Before we get too far in our talk about intimacy, Debbie encourages everyone to find someone special with whom you feel safe and can open up.  We all need that.

 

Second, she explains that it’s important for us to understand that we are only responsible for ourselves...we can't change others.

 

Be open-minded about your own situation and your intimacy concerns and struggles.  Be brutally honest.  It takes commitment and work to develop an intimate relationship and marriage.

 

This is a fantastic season of life; it is also challenging, tiring, rewarding, time-consuming, and exhausting, but it is NOT more important than being a wife.  You spend a lot of time wearing different hats and serving everyone else, but nothing you do for as “mom” is more important than what you do as “honey”.  You will have to adapt and be creative as you strive to achieve intimacy with your husband.

 

Part of intimacy is communication.  If you have fears, concerns, or issues with your husband, does he know how you feel?  This is a good place to start...let him know.  Maybe you don't feel sexy any more, or don't like your body, or maybe you feel that your husband's feelings have changed toward you.  Don't assume that he knows these things about you.

 

Avoid words like “never” and “always”, or “you shouldn't feel that way”, and don't compare your love life to television shows, romance novels, or even pornographic images.  When you talk to your husband use *I* statements and don't point the finger.   And don't give up hope.

 

Intimacy is more than sex.

 

We have a God-given need to connect with others and to be intimate.  Do you remember the “five love languages”?  It's important that you spend time and energy filling your husband's "love tank" even if he's not filling yours.  Are you filling his?  Are you being your husband's biggest fan and cheerleader...even if you don't think he deserves it?

 

Your husband longs to hear you say “I missed you today” or “I've been thinking about you all day”, “I'm proud of you”, “What can I do for you today?”, “Thank you for working so hard for this family”, “Thank you”, “I'm sorry”, “You look so handsome in that shirt”, or “You're my best friend”.

 

Try going back to the basics.  Think back to the early days with your husband – before he was your husband – and what made you melt.

 

Here are some ideas to make sure that your husband is a priority (don't forget that part of making HIM a priority is making YOU a priority – remember to take care of yourself.

 

·         Take a good long look at your bedroom; what does it look like?  Is it a place that is conducive to rest and romance?  Or do you have to move the laundry first?  Make this a special room for the two of you.

·         Rent a hotel room

·         Love notes

·         Surprise him in the shower

·         Put the kids to bed early

·         Have date nights

·         Get a sitter (trade sitting with another mom friend)

·         Do something unexpected, surprise him

·         Write him a letter telling him how much you appreciate him…and MAIL IT!

·         Marriage vitamins: 1) vitamin K = KISS for 10 seconds when saying good bye and hello, 2) vitamin H = HUG for 20 seconds every day, 3) vitamin F = FLIRT with your husband, 4) vitamin L = LOVE talk, 5) vitamin M = MASSAGE your husband...even if it's just on the shoulders.

·         Schedule sex.  Put it on the calendar (in code) and then anticipate the time together.

·         Plan a couple of get-aways each year.  Your husband needs to be your priority.  Long after your kids have moved out of the house and found their own lives, you will still be his wife.  Getting away is NOT neglecting your children, and it's absolutely worth it.  When your kids move out, you don't want to be a stranger to your husband.  It is important that your children know that you love each other.  Remember that you are a role model to your children.

 

Our children are precious, but not more precious than our marriages, our husbands.

 

Maybe you're “settling” on the way things are because you think this is just the way it is with small children.  Maybe things are just awful for you right now.  Find that safe person who will support your marriage and not tear it down.  Start with baby steps.

 

The work and commitment to building intimacy in your marriage is absolutely worth every moment.