Chris Wilkens ~ Understanding Your Man
There are three areas at the heart of much of the conflict between men and women.
Problem Solving: The male sense of “self” is tightly wrapped up in tasks and getting things done. Women are more emotional. Presented with a challenge men will [tend to] swoop in with a solution and save the day…even if all we wanted was to have someone listen to us. The man’s goal is to achieve results (and inasmuch be a hero to his “woman”). The woman’s goal is to unload and, in the process, find her own solution.
When presented with a challenge of their own, men prefer to go-it alone. Unsolicited advice is viewed as demanding, even if we (as women) are just thinking out loud.
When a man (or boy) does not succeed, shame and ridicule can kill the relationship. Instead, he needs to know that he is still loved and accepted. Men want to be needed. If they think that they will likely fail then they would rather not try. We are not responsible for their happiness. We are responsible for being respectful to them. We are responsible to them, not for them.
Stress Management: Men typically have the role of head-of-household. Head-of-household…that’s like asking him to fly a jumbo jet without any training. Like babies, being the head of household doesn’t come with instructions. Trying to navigate the waters of “head-of-household” can produce stress. Men manage stress differently, and stress impacts men differently than women.
After a stressful day men are more likely (than women) to still have interest in sex. Sexuality equals problem solving (men’s comfort zone) and communication (women’s comfort zone). In sexuality, there are typically initiators and responders. 70% of women are responders (and may be open to sex after a stressful day IF the mood is right) and 30% are initiators. Men are the opposite.
Communication: When communicating with men it is important to choose your time wisely. Right after work, in bed before you go to sleep, during the football game…these are probably not the best times.
When an issue arises or a man is hurt in some way, he is likely to retreat into a virtual (or perhaps literal) cave. While it’s not necessarily healthy to do this for long periods of time, it is fine (and good) to give him his space and let him have this time to brood.
Contempt, criticism, and/or stonewalling are a death knell to a relationship. If any of these things exist, seek immediate professional help.
There are healthy ways to communicate. Remember that it’s okay to ask your husband to change when change is appropriate. When discussing change try to use five positive things for every one negative thing (this is a good rule of thumb for working with boys as well). Voice the positives and then express the concern. Use “we” (you are a team after all) and focus on actionable steps, avoiding generalizations. Rather than “I feel put down” you could say “When you do AB I feel put down”. Choose a good time when you can really talk…and he can really listen, and ask him questions.
When the limbic system is active in men (they are in fight-or-flight mode) they are not able to access the language portion of the brain. This happens during times of frustration or anger. When this happens it is common for men to resort to grunting or groaning, or swearing.
Women have better connections between the left and right brain (language and emotion) and are therefore better able to talk out a problem.