We have to face it. Anger is a part of life, especially the life of a mom. It’s often hard to imagine, as you look into the angelic face of your warm, smiling infant, that you could ever be angered by something he could do. “What could this sweet little person ever do to make me angry?” you might be thinking. Let’s talk again in, oh say…two or three years.
Julie Barnhill reminds us, as she shares her own life journey through anger and, ultimately healing, that anger is normal. She goes on to describe the different types of anger.
Anger often resembles a volcanic eruption. Volcanoes are natural, as is anger, and they often share some striking resemblances.
Types of anger:
The Strombolian; short and predictable eruptions; erupt and move on; short, off-the-cuff comments like “Oh! Don't be so stupid!”
The Hawaiian; lakes and rivers of constantly boiling lava; a constant simmer [of anger] that rarely explodes, but there is a great deal of unrest, often experience a general feeling of being down. It will come out sooner or later.
The Volcaneon; seize up with lava then erupt in a huge explosion of lumpy lava; deadly to be around when the gas and cinders come out. Shrapnel hits everything in its path. This person may throw things, slap, and this can go on for days; often carries a grudge. May appear that things are under control. This style works to keep kids under control, but it's a hard pattern to stop.
The Plineon; this would be the Mount St. Helens of anger styles; enormously destructive. Children hide because they are scared. This kind of anger must be stopped. If you are a Plineon...tell someone now.
Don't be afraid to classify your anger. If we know what our anger looks like, perhaps he have a chance to stop it before it happens or before it gets out of control.
Before a volcanic eruption occurs there are tremors and earthquakes that foretell the coming events. This is often true of anger as well. The stresses often come out in our speech. Things that don’t usually bother us, or that shouldn’t be a big deal, suddenly stand out in front of us like Godzilla. Now here’s a scary thought; sometimes the things that we don't like in our children are things that they picked up from us.
It is important to learn what our style is so that we can handle stresses and triggers of anger, and change them. As we age our emotions change, patience change. Don’t be afraid to let go of guilt, and don't take that anger out on your family...children.
Sometimes the things that our children get angry at are things that we get angry at. Deal with your children's ages appropriately and be aware of where they are developmentally when you get angry. Think about what pushes their buttons.
Recognize when you have gone too far. We want to avoid making our children feel unsafe from physically and/or emotionally. Avoid rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, belittling, name-calling, shaming, threatening, and scapegoating (to name a few things).
Be encouraged. Remember that there is a God over all of us. Connect the bad things that we do as moms to what really drives it...sin. The only dependable solution for dealing with our anger is God. He loves and adores each and every one of us and wants to helps us through periods of anger and the guilt that we feel when we blow it. He wants to be there for every part of our lives, every day, including the angry ones.
Remember that anger is not wrong. Ephesians 4:26 in the Bible tells us “…be angry, but do not sin”. Anger has a purpose. The goal is to do something positive with our anger, that will leave things better than when we started, like changing situations of unfairness or inequality.
Resources:
She's Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger, by Julie Ann Barnhill, Publisher: Harvest House Publishers, ISBN-10# 0736915524.